Hierdie inskrywing volg op Optima
Grief | 7 Feb 2023
O grief, you came back.
I was actually scared you left me- that you were brief as I wished, but clearly, you have a will of your own!
You have a lot of reasons to leave me. You were treated as an unwelcome visitor, you were avoided, your presence is sometimes ignored and I harbor a good piece of hatred towards you.
You are cunning though, I can’t always recognize you. I once recognized you in the silhouette of tears and paralysis and fits of rage. Then we had a bit of a fight when you came in the guise of relief, as I’ve mistaken you for Acceptance, seriously, I really wished it was her…
One night there was a knock on my door… You two-faced bastard! When I looked through the keyhole, I saw an intruder knocking on my door. I had to put up a fight to keep him away! How was I supposed to know it was you, exposing my fear of trust? Can’t you just make your business clear and be done with the shapeshifting?
Maybe I romanticized you? Maybe I am trying to justify my behavior? Maybe I am bluffing myself? Who would know?
Maybe it was you, maybe it is still you - haunting me, tenderly seeking my company, laying me to rest at night, compelling me to run, to draw, to write…
I don’t know maybe it is you after all?
What if I suppose that you are the shadow of all other visitors? The shadow of regret, of longing, my need to be held, and the overwhelming numbness… What if I invited you in? Would you promise me, you would deal with me gently if I don’t resist you?
But then again, I am actually mourning the death of promises, you would know what I mean…
After all is said and mourned of this peculiar relationship, I somehow feel alive in your embrace.
And sometimes I am thankful for you as a companion on this lonely journey of the soul.
Swanesang ontdekking | 12 Feb 2023
Laaste keer dat iemand iets doen of in ’n bepaalde hoedanigheid optree, of laaste werk, bv. ’n gedig of komposisie, van ’n kunstenaar voor sy dood.
Ek het vanaand van Burgersdorp af terug gery, met Leendert se foon vir musiek. Die spasie is min, ek wou dit bietjie skoonmaak. Ek kom toe op ’n voice note af van 4 Februarie 2022… getiteld ‘Standard 2’. Hy ry in die werksbakkie, dit is loud. Hy klink nie lekker nie. En hy sê ‘hierdie is vir my familie en Clarina en Smirna as iets met my moet gebeur.’ Hy sê hy is baie lief vir ons. Dit is sy swanesang, of hy weet ook nie eintlik wat ’n mens dit noem nie. Later sê hy net hy wens dit kan anders wees of hy wens hy kan anders wees. Ek weet nie regtig of dit ’n ‘dit’ of ’n ‘hy’ is nie.
Dit is shocking vir my, maar tog ook nie. Ek weet dit was premeditated, maar ek het nie geweet dit was moontlik 14 dae premeditated nie.
Dit nog vóór die bakkie-ongeluk.
Facebook-inskrywing | 27 Februarie 2023
Vir 52 Sondae het ek gewag vir die 1-jaar merk. Ek het gedink daar gaan iets verligtend wees oor die mylpaal, dat iets in my hart gaan oorslaan soos die kalenderblaai... Dat ek oor dit gaan wees. Glad nie! Daar was net stadige prosesse in hierdie jaar en 'n paar oombliklikke kopskuiwe.
Ek het my verdere verliese ontdek.. My verlies om te kan glo in die eenvoud van die lewe en die krag van liefde. Die huiwering om te vertrou...
Soms voel dit steeds surreal- asof ek na iemand anders se storie luister... Soms vloek ek onder my asem as ek gekonfronteer word met die gesinsoomblikke wat ek nou alleen beleef. Meeste van die tyd het ek berus om die onverstaanbare te laat staan... Terselfdertyd beleef ek ook die Here se ongelooflike kindness!
Ek word steeds gevul met dankbaarheid as ek aan jou lewe dink- jou integriteit en jou liefde vir ons 2.
Ek wens net jyt hoop gehad!
Ek wens jy het hoop gehad Leendert...
Jimmy: “I’ve been grieving her.”
Dr. Paul: “No, you’ve been numbing.”
Gaby: “Stop, you’re doing sad face.”
Jimmy: “This is just face. I have resting dead wife face.”
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