This is the third entry in the blog post series where I share some insights and lessons I’ve learnt on my journey with grief.
In the previous post, I explored the various questions you can ask a person to offer practical help and support. I want to shift the perspective slightly and examine how appropriate boundaries can make your support sustainable while fostering a secure relationship.
Boundaries ensure that when someone offers help, it is genuine and sustainable. A relationship in which someone says "yes" to everything without the freedom of saying "no" creates insecurity. True support only exists when a "yes" can be accompanied by an honest "no." (I would recommend the book ‘Boundaries’ by Cloud & Townsend)
Why Boundaries Matter
Boundaries are essential to avoid burnout, misunderstandings, or resentment in a relationship, especially in a relationship where you offer support and help. Clear boundaries can prevent a situation where you feel overwhelmed, or the person in need feels as if they are burdening you.
The Bible calls us to serve one another in love, but it also reminds us of our limitations.
Even Jesus withdrew to solitary places to pray and recharge (Luke 5:16).
Similarly, when we serve, we must ensure we have space to rest, making sure that our "yes" comes from a place where we have the capacity to fulfill it.
1. Offering a Distraction
When you offer your time in this capacity, communicate your availability.
This can look like:
- “I can go for a walk with you for half an hour today after work. I just need to leave by 18:00.”
- “I’ll come over until lunchtime.”
- “I’ll pick you up this Saturday, I’ll pay for the entrance, and you can bring something to drink.”
Setting these clear expectations helps you to manage your emotional energy and it creates a space where the person you are supporting can also freely communicate their capacity to be sociable.
2. Offering Your Presence
Sometimes, presence is the most valuable gift you can give to someone who is hurting. But here, too, boundaries are crucial. If you're feeling overwhelmed or triggered by certain topics, communicate that openly.
- “I’m here for you, but there are some topics I might struggle with. I want to help by doing something fun together.”
This kind of honesty builds trust and ensures that both parties are emotionally safe. There’s no harm in acknowledging your own limitations as a supporter—especially if certain aspects of the situation might bring up personal unresolved feelings.
3. Offering Practical Help
When practical help is needed, it can be helpful to mobilize a support village than to try to do it by yourself.
A good example comes from my church community, where one person set up a meal roster for a family in need. Other families could choose which day they would cook, making it easier for everyone to help without one person bearing the entire burden. As each person contributed a meal, the load became manageable, and a village of support was created. This approach makes supporting others sustainable, allowing helpers to be involved without becoming overwhelmed. (They also mention on the link what they will be cooking, to avoid sending the family seven lasagnas in a week.)
An unhelpful boundary would be offering vague help, like saying,
-“Call me if you need anything.”
But when are you gonna call Ghostbusters? 🤭
While well-intentioned, this can leave the grieving person unsure of what exactly to ask from whom.
Instead, offer specific help:
-“Call me if you need financial advice,”
-“I can help with babysitting on weekends,”
-“Call me if you need maintenance to be done around the house.”
This specificity gives the person a clear idea of who and how to ask for support, removing uncertainty.
4. Speaking Through Things
It’s crucial to offer your availability in a way that respects your own mental space and time.
Always gauge your emotional readiness before offering deep emotional support. Being upfront about this is more loving than giving support when you’re not in a place to offer it. This way, the person feels supported without feeling like they’re unloading their grief onto you at the wrong time.
Examples of Healthy Boundaries
My best friend, who came over to help with all the logistical stuff for the funeral, said that she was going home after the funeral, tag-teaming with my family, who would be there to help with the packing and moving. Knowing her boundaries allowed me to appreciate her help without feeling guilty or overly reliant. It also assured me that she was looking after her own needs as well.
I’m also reminded about a group of businesspeople in my church community who offered to cover certain expenses for me over a period of three months. This clear, tangible support not only relieved financial stress but allowed me to pace myself to plan ahead. Their commitment was specific and time-bound, making it a perfect example of helpful boundaries in action.
You can’t pour from an empty cup—healthy boundaries allow you to give from a place of fullness.
As Galatians 6:2 says, "Carry each other's burdens, and in this way, you will fulfil the law of Christ."
But we are also reminded in Galatians 6:5, "Each one should carry their own load."
There is wisdom in discerning the difference between carrying another’s burdens and knowing what only they can carry themselves. Even if it may be from your best intentions to help another person, you cannot walk their path for them. You must rely on God, that He is the Good Father who cares for that person way more than you could ever do, also trusting that He will provide and comfort them beyond your capacity.
I encourage you to reflect on the boundaries you set when offering help. Are they clear, compassionate, and sustainable?
Boundaries are an act of love—both for others and yourself.
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